1."Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
-Groucho Marx
2."She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."
-George Bernard Shaw
3."The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault."
-Henry Kissinger.
4."Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything."
-Herb Caen.
5."Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes."
-Oscar Wilde
6."He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead."
Voltaire.
7."Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people."
"There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

- kk

.A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
-"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."
The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
-"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"
Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"
The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice:
-"Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

- HAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, naughty in a funny way old lady huh ? LOLOLOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, poor man or poor young man now? hahahhaaaaaaaaaa, :P
kk

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

- OH HAHHAHHAAAA GREAT ideas! Can't forget at least some, next one will have as reply one of this hahahaha
kk

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
-"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
-"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

-
KK

.Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

-
KK

.A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
-"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
-"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
-"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

-
kk

.-Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
-Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
-"Hmm," says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
-"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

-:b
kk

1.Sniffle incessantly.
2.Practice making fax and modem noises.
3. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
4. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
5. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
7.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
9. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
10.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
11.Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
12. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
16. Set alarms for random times.
17.At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

-
KK

1."My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
-Socrates.
2."I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
-Groucho Marx.
3."In married life three is company and two none."
-Oscar Wilde.
4."When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
-Sacha Guitry.
5."There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
-Steve Martin.
6."My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
-Jimmy Durante

-
:bLOL, some are really funny
kk

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
-"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
-"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
-"Oh, come along with me then."
-"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
-"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
-"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
-"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
-"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied:
-"No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

-
kk

- LOL, not me! No way
kk

.A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
-Officer: May I see your driver's license?
-Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
-Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
-Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
-Officer: The car is stolen?
-Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
-Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
-Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
-Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
-Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
-Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
-Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
-Captain: Whose car is this?
-Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.
-Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
-Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
-Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
-Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
-Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
-Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying su***r told you I was speeding, too ...

:P
kk

-
hahahaha, can't believe it!
KK

.A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

- :P
kk

1.That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong

2.Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3.See me ASAP...
Kum Hia Nao

4.Stupid Man...
Dum Gai

5.Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni

6.Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?

7.I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni

8.I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat

9.It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?

10.I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11.This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

12.Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13.Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

14.He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

15.Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu

ADD by Austin-Lance2this list:

16. Nappy...
ASAKAPOOPOO

-
KK

.PS: these are new ones, are not the same of the other post about this theme just noticed nrs.5,6 and 7 are on the other recent posted list too. The rest of the whole post is being posted only now by me. And just bcz really makes me laugh
.ADD: Also want to say Thank you to Austin-Lance for give me the nr.16; and next time i'm in UK near chineses i'll use some of these as are so fnny!hahahahaaaaaaa
hugs2you all
kk

- Thanks for the warning and this useful sign, seems some must not notice it :b:P
hugs2you all
Kk

1.Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
2.Coca-Cola was originally green.
3.It is impossible to lick your elbow.
4.The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
5.Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
6.The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
7.The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
8.Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
9.If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
10.Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
11."I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

- Interesting isn't it? and funny too !
KK

1.There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine. :P

2.English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

3.Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

4.If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

5.If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

6.How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?D

- HAHAHAHA SO TRUE!
Hugs,KK

1."Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams.

2."The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

3."If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

4."I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

5."There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
Robert Orben.

6."We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder. :P

7."If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

8."I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

-:b
kk

1."The Middle Eastern states aren't nations, they're quarrels with borders."
PJ O'Rouke.
2."Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
Steve Martin.
3."On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'."
Paul Merton.
4."In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air."
Jonathan Raban.
5."I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle.
6."They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."
Bob Hope.
7."Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there."
Yakov Smirnoff.
8."Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."
Oscar Wilde.

-
Kk