.1)Democratic Navigation:

A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps .
After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, 'OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

.2)Official Language Of Europe:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which heavily lobbied to be the official languauge and was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c" . . . Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and the "w" with "v."

During the fifz yar, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yar, ve vil hav a realy sensibl vriten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evryvun vil find it easy tu understand each ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

.Tanzan and Ekido were once travelling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling.

Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't do near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"
kk

1) .why did the shark spit out the clown?
Cz he tasted funny

2) .knock knock.
who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! ("I love you" in a southern accent)

3).What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dsylexic?
Someone who lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog

4).What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get your girl back, your dog back, your pick-up back, and you stop drinking.

5).Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

6)Three tomatos were out taking a walk in the woods one day.; a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato and a little baby tomato.
Its not long until the little tomato lags behind. The daddy tomato walks back to where the little tomato is kicking rocks and STOMPS on him and tells him to Catch up! ( ketchup)